We all have goals or dreams when we’re young. And part of growing up is the realizing of those dreams, or the rearranging of those dreams, or the realization that a dream just isn’t going to happen.
I’m sort of having another one of those moments now (well, for the past few days). I’ve got lots of (some say too much) schooling, and will be finishing my third graduate degree in a few months. I’m thrilled to add more letters (and skills) to my name, but after the third graduate degree, one really must begin to think: Why am I doing this? What are my goals? Are my choices in line with the goals that I’ve made or that I have? If so, how? If not, do I need to do more to become aligned to my goals, or do I need to overhaul my goals?
It’s difficult, heart-wrenching, even, to give up on something you’d been planning on for most, if not all, of your life. It’s not like it will be out of your life in every way shape or form, but it being the center of your life just may not happen. I used to think that “BOOM” the thunderbolt from heaven would strike me and I’d know just what I was meant for in this life. This job, this career, etc. But that hasn’t been the case. In my early twenties, I came to see that waiting for that BOOM meant that I was risking literally wasting part of my life. It may happen, but it may not. But my waiting for it or not waiting for it wouldn’t affect its happening or not. I got over the thunderbolt theory.
I went on with my life. Went to grad school. Dated. Lived, traveled, worked, and studied overseas. Studied my fourth and fifth languages. Had a relationship with someone from another country for more than four years. While I was no longer expecting the thunderbolt, I did expect that my life’s calling or my plan, etc., would become more obvious, little by little. I have sinced moved back home, taken a number of different jobs, ended the four-plus-year relationship, and started yet another degree (this time paid for by my employer… I’m not anxious to wrack up more student loan debt!). I enjoy my job and the people I work with, and love the area I live in. I’m close enough to my family that I can drive to see them in less than 3.5 hours, but far enough away to live “away” from family (if you know what I mean). But as current program will be ending soon, I have to really think, OK, what am I doing, is it in line with what I really want to do?
I don’t have any answers. I would like to get married; I would like a child (children?); but I also have lived alone enough to know that if I don’t have children, I am able to be happy. I guess it’s not a top priority of mine to “bag a man,” as it were. If it were, I’d be working on myself more, making myself more available, etc. But with a full-time job, being a full-time grad student, and other commitments I’ve made, I sometimes find that it’s all I can do to get up 30 minutes before leaving for work, grab some coffee, and make it to the office. To me, this is not life. I know that the most hectic part (grad school) will end soon enough. That’s how I know I will survive this. But after that, what? Does my life continue the way it is?
I have friends at work, and I will always have these friends. I’ve got a decent job that is probably one of the most steady in this economy (the #1 reason that I’m hesitating leaving it), but it’s also not a very healthy place. It’s a toxic environment.
So I’ve got some work to do in the upcoming months. After graduation, after I’ve taken a breather, after perhaps I’ve taken a trip this fall (haven’t traveled in almost 4 years, which KILLS me!!!), I will seriously begin searching for other positions.
And I’m still working on my true love, the goal I’ve had for as long as I can remember. It’s a difficult topic at the moment, but as life goes on, and more precious time is gone, I realize more and more that I am the one who makes the decisions. To let life pass me by would be my death knell.
So if anyone is reading this, what have you done in your life? Have you had to make concessions with your dreams, your life experience, and change your goals?
5 May 2009 at 3:23 am
I notice you have no comments, and – unusual for me – I popped over after seeing your comment on Conversion Diary. I don’t know how old you are, BUT…I left Houston (and a career of the same length that I despised) after 9 1/2 yrs to move to a place I loved. After 6 months here I met the man I wound up marrying. We married when I was a month shy of 35, and we had our first baby when I was 38. My second was born the day after I turned 40. This all happened after I had become sure that marriage would not happen for me.
The change came when I stopped trying to make one place and career work (that clearly didn’t), and stepped out toward a place I loved without a clue about what would follow. It was then, and still is, one of the most pivotal years of my life. (Although it could be argued that the year I married, and the year I had my first baby, were equally – if not more – pivotal.)
Somehow, I hope answers some of the questions you posed…
5 May 2009 at 3:41 am
Thank you for your comment
I don’t truly expect a lot of comments since I haven’t made the time to post that often. I’m just thankful for the ones that I do get. And I’m glad that you decided to click over from Conversion Diary 
I’m in my early 30s, so the clock is definitely still “ticking” and (God willing) won’t tock its last for a decade or so. I completely agree with your statement: “the change came when I stopped trying to make one place and career work… and stepped toward a place I loved…”
The first part is something I could definitely do after graduation, a respite, a trip abroad, and some time to just _breathe_. As for the move, that, too, has been sort of a fantasy of mine. I really would like to move overseas. I understand that’s not the norm… Usually a “move” is to a different city or state (for an American), not to a different country. But of course even in a great economy, I’d need to have a job in one of the countries I’d love to move to (Europe) before I could afford to go, and then there’s the difficulty of getting a work visa. It’s pretty difficult for non-EU citizens to get jobs in Europe. I understand the policies, however. Perhaps once I finish this degree and I continue to network, I may be able to make more connections overseas. That is what I’d love to do: move, take my two kitties with me (of course!) and then, if it’s part of the package, meet someone. That is my ideal. But I’m certainly not against meeting someone where I’m at now.
But the most important thing I glean from your comment is that whether its a job or a relationship, trying to make something work won’t necessarily make it work. And I agree.
Thank you for your comment! It continues to give me hope and insight into others’ situations and realities!