We all have goals or dreams when we’re young. And part of growing up is the realizing of those dreams, or the rearranging of those dreams, or the realization that a dream just isn’t going to happen.
I’m sort of having another one of those moments now (well, for the past few days). I’ve got lots of (some say too much) schooling, and will be finishing my third graduate degree in a few months. I’m thrilled to add more letters (and skills) to my name, but after the third graduate degree, one really must begin to think: Why am I doing this? What are my goals? Are my choices in line with the goals that I’ve made or that I have? If so, how? If not, do I need to do more to become aligned to my goals, or do I need to overhaul my goals?
It’s difficult, heart-wrenching, even, to give up on something you’d been planning on for most, if not all, of your life. It’s not like it will be out of your life in every way shape or form, but it being the center of your life just may not happen. I used to think that “BOOM” the thunderbolt from heaven would strike me and I’d know just what I was meant for in this life. This job, this career, etc. But that hasn’t been the case. In my early twenties, I came to see that waiting for that BOOM meant that I was risking literally wasting part of my life. It may happen, but it may not. But my waiting for it or not waiting for it wouldn’t affect its happening or not. I got over the thunderbolt theory.
I went on with my life. Went to grad school. Dated. Lived, traveled, worked, and studied overseas. Studied my fourth and fifth languages. Had a relationship with someone from another country for more than four years. While I was no longer expecting the thunderbolt, I did expect that my life’s calling or my plan, etc., would become more obvious, little by little. I have sinced moved back home, taken a number of different jobs, ended the four-plus-year relationship, and started yet another degree (this time paid for by my employer… I’m not anxious to wrack up more student loan debt!). I enjoy my job and the people I work with, and love the area I live in. I’m close enough to my family that I can drive to see them in less than 3.5 hours, but far enough away to live “away” from family (if you know what I mean). But as current program will be ending soon, I have to really think, OK, what am I doing, is it in line with what I really want to do?
I don’t have any answers. I would like to get married; I would like a child (children?); but I also have lived alone enough to know that if I don’t have children, I am able to be happy. I guess it’s not a top priority of mine to “bag a man,” as it were. If it were, I’d be working on myself more, making myself more available, etc. But with a full-time job, being a full-time grad student, and other commitments I’ve made, I sometimes find that it’s all I can do to get up 30 minutes before leaving for work, grab some coffee, and make it to the office. To me, this is not life. I know that the most hectic part (grad school) will end soon enough. That’s how I know I will survive this. But after that, what? Does my life continue the way it is?
I have friends at work, and I will always have these friends. I’ve got a decent job that is probably one of the most steady in this economy (the #1 reason that I’m hesitating leaving it), but it’s also not a very healthy place. It’s a toxic environment.
So I’ve got some work to do in the upcoming months. After graduation, after I’ve taken a breather, after perhaps I’ve taken a trip this fall (haven’t traveled in almost 4 years, which KILLS me!!!), I will seriously begin searching for other positions.
And I’m still working on my true love, the goal I’ve had for as long as I can remember. It’s a difficult topic at the moment, but as life goes on, and more precious time is gone, I realize more and more that I am the one who makes the decisions. To let life pass me by would be my death knell.
So if anyone is reading this, what have you done in your life? Have you had to make concessions with your dreams, your life experience, and change your goals?
